on FOMO and self-care

reflections on being left behind, left out, and what's left of me

I like to think I’m an emotionally aware person. Unfortunately, I only become aware of my emotions when they become too much to bear, and feeling the extremes of every emotion is an undesirable condition to live with. 

Recently, one of my friends confessed to me, “I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.” Their statement forced me to confront that I have been experiencing a similar sentiment. Frequently, when shit gets busy, it’s very easy to fall into the cycle of ignoring one’s needs and emotions until all that’s left is a confusing, unrecognizable mess. 

In considering how to remedy this, I thought a lot about prevalent narratives about coping mechanisms and taking care of mental health. Although the narratives surrounding mental health in mainstream media have drastically improved in recent years, I don’t love the idea that there’s one correct way to engage in self-care.

Personally, I’ve always found writing and creating, in general, to be good coping mechanisms for dealing with my overwhelming emotions. However, this has been more difficult lately, with the lines of my creativity being blurred with work as I’m beginning to get paid for writing. Additionally, writing is a coping mechanism that only works after something hard has happened rather than an act I can do now. I still haven’t found anything that works for me now other than removing myself from the situation and finding time to be alone. 

The most difficult part of practicing being alone is accepting that being alone is a method of self-care. Finding the line between taking alone time to care for myself and isolating myself from my support system is perhaps one of the hardest things to discern. 

In high school and most of my younger years, I struggled with FOMO a lot. I was often isolated from my peers because of my family and other circumstances, so I had no support system at all. I felt that I was outside everything, watching everything happen from a glass wall. Once I got to college, I was able to find a more supportive community that I feel much more connected to, partly because I was able to mostly come out as nonbinary and use my preferred name and pronouns. 

During my first few months at college, I wanted to always be with other people at all times, which would entail going through my contacts list and calling everyone to see who would be free to hang out. I was terrified of being alone like I had been back in my hometown, behind that glass wall, unheard and powerless. Eventually, I began exploring my boundaries, finding out how to balance putting my needs first and recognizing that I don’t always need to be around people to be secure because there are people who care about me now. 

I write this while watching a John Waters film and eating Froot Loops alone in my dorm room on a Saturday night. Admittedly, I am still struggling with the thought that I should be going out to party like most people on this campus, but after a long day of tiring tasks, I knew that I would much rather relax alone instead of putting myself in situations where I would burn out almost instantly. I recognize that my personal circumstances and needs differ from everyone else’s, thus making it impossible to fairly compare my own preferences about how I spend my time to everyone else’s. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel FOMO at all; I have the capacity to care about what other people are doing and also care about my own needs. 

Also, self-care and security are things that require constant work. I used to think going to therapy would instantly fix me. Having been in therapy for over three years now, I know that isn’t the case. My 10 years of mental health struggles will take many more years to work through, and it’s a commitment I’m willing to make to take care of myself. 

I’m by no means an expert on mental health, and everything I’ve written in this piece has taken me so many years to learn. But I’m happy that I’m starting to learn how to be nicer to myself, which is the first step to self-care. I hope to continue to hold onto my sense of self during tough and easy times.